Posted on by Sara Gonet

“Eat, Drink, Be Merry?!” Navigating the Holidays While Supporting Someone You Love with An Eating Disorder

The holidays are right around the corner! Most all holiday traditions and celebrations involve food and connection with others.  Such a joyous season for most people— “Eat, Drink, Be Merry!” Right?! Eh, well, this may not be the case for individuals struggling with an eating disorder.

Throughout my adolescent years and early twenties, I was either in the trenches of battling an eating disorder or starting the deep healing work required for recovery. Needless to say the holidays were a sensitive and overwhelming time for a solid decade of my life. During those years, facing the holidays would be something I would sadly dread.

I wanted so badly to be present with my family while they gathered around the fire playing board games or watching Christmas movies together. Unfortunately, eating disorders take you away from the present moment only to be trapped inside your head. Thinking BACK on what you have eaten, thinking AHEAD of what you are allowed to eat for the rest of the day or preoccupied with how your body looks. Anywhere but there, connecting with your loved ones. Most of my memories I recall during those years were always being too irritable to be still enough to sit down to engage with my family. So, I would retreat upstairs into my room. My parents or sister would often come knock on my bedroom door asking why I wouldn’t hang out with the family and “what was wrong?” I wish I knew how to explain to them how painful it was. I wish I could have asked for what I needed, but honestly, I didn’t know at the time. I’m pretty sure my family had no idea what to say or do either.

Fast forward to now. Recovery has given me the gift of giving me my holidays back! The gift of being present, the gift of connection with others, the gift of celebrating new and old holiday traditions through food (and not with food). These gifts during the holiday season are ones I will hold close and never take for granted. Recovery has also given me passion, not only to help children, adolescents, and adults struggling with eating disorders navigate holidays, but also passion to educate parents, friends, partners, or siblings navigate the holiday season while they support their loved ones.

I always find myself having immense compassion and empathy for my clients loved ones, as “they don’t know what they don’t know”. I wish my family had the resources that are out there now to be educated on how to support me when I was struggling.  I now see how much in “the dark they were” and this is not their fault.

All this being said, I wanted to provide a few tips for parents, partners, siblings, or friends who are supporting someone they love with an eating disorder during this holiday season:

  • Plan Ahead with your Loved One:
    • Communication is key! Prior to the holidays, sit down with your loved one to discuss a game plan. Ask your loved one what would be helpful or unhelpful in terms of support throughout the day or around meal support (before, during, and after the meal).
    • Help your loved one identify a safe and trusted person to hold your loved one accountable, whether that is you, a sibling, friend, parent, partner, etc. If your loved one starts to become overwhelmed, this trusted person can help initiate boundaries and establish coping skills for moments of anxiety. Tip: this trusted person can identify a “code word” (for example: “pineapple”) to use when feeling overwhelmed and can signal it is time to step away from the table or conversation.  
  • Language is Important:
    • Be mindful of making comments on your loved one’s appearance/weight. Do not make comments about your appearance/weight or anyone’s appearance/weight. (this is actually never okay).
    • Refrain from diet talk! Comments such as “I’ve been saving up for this meal”; “I need to go walk off these calories” or “I’m going to be bad today by having this pie” are all forms of diet culture mentality and incredibly triggering to someone struggling with an eating disorder. Also, vulnerable kiddos around you are listening to you and learning from you.
    • Your loved one has a right to walk away from these conversations. If they feel comfortable, encourage them to use their voice to explain that these comments are not helpful and help redirect the conversation.
  • Encourage your loved one to plan to eat breakfast/lunch/snacks in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner.
    • Diet culture can be quick to normalize “saving up or restricting” all day in order to eat a big feast. If your loved one has a dietitian, make sure they discuss their food plan with them.
  • Encourage your loved one to make time for self-care
    • It’s perfectly okay for your loved one to retreat from the group and carve out alone time for a bit. Help your loved one create a list of things they can do—whether it’s getting outside, finding a quiet place to read a book, journal, listen to a podcast, etc

If you are a caregiver seeking additional education and support this holiday season, check out this RD + Therapist Led Circles of Support Group held virtually on December 5th from 1:00-2:30pm Eastern Time. We will be continuing to provide education and support on Navigating the Holidays while supporting someone you love with an eating disorder. Link to register below: https://lutzandalexander.com/groups/circles-of-support-community-and-education-for-those-who-love-someone-with-an-eating-disorder/

Posted on by Sara Gonet

From the Inside Out

“Sara, you’re beautiful, sweet, driven, and have everything going for you. Why would you feel this way?”

I remember a loved one asking me this question after I disclosed crippling anxiety and an overwhelming flood of negative thoughts in my earlier twenties.

 “I would rather have cancer or have broken every bone in my body than have an eating disorder. I would understand why I would be in pain. It would easily make sense to everyone else around me. There would not be silent suffering with something I didn’t even understand.”

I remember saying these exact words to a friend in my first year of graduate school right before my world changed. Right before I chose to start the real work from within that would get me to the place I am in today.

When I was 13 years old, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. In 7th grade I admitted to a residential treatment facility for the treatment of eating disorders. Due to insurance cutting out after several weeks, I came home with a little more weight on me. Mentally, emotionally, still as ill as ever. The years following that departure home, was somewhat of a blurry roller-coaster. What I do remember clearly, was this: I figured if I could keep my weight at a “healthy” weight, while having it altogether on the outside, I could continue doing the things that were important to me at the time- cheerleading, beauty pageants, graduating high school, going to Ole Miss, get into a sorority, and make good grades.

So I did just that. What I didn’t realize then, was that I was fooling everyone around me, including myself. On the inside I was dying. Consumed with painful thoughts, secret harmful behaviors, no sense of self, no opinions of my own, inability to love, hid in the gym while my friends had late night pizza, & the list could go on. I didn’t know at the time, how much of life I was missing out on. My eating disorder, anxiety, and perfectionism were in the driver’s seat every day and they called the shots.

At age 23 years old, I made a brave step forward and confided in a trusted individual, who I am convinced saved my life to this day (more about that later). I slowly but surely started to receive help and committed wholeheartedly to healing and recovery. It took me 10 years to make that step for myself, but it taught me that it is never too late to start. The recovery process is painful, imperfect, uncomfortable, and long. AND every single bit of it is worth it. It’s given me freedom, purpose, connection, love, self-discovery, and a life worth living.

Now, at 31 years old I understand why I felt the way I did in my early twenties. I convinced myself and everyone else that because I “physically” looked fine, that I was fine. But that was the furthest from the truth. I wasn’t fine on the inside. Physical restoration is only ONE component of eating disorder recovery.  In fact, in my case it may have been the easiest compared to the psychological and psychiatric work that was necessary for healing and true recovery.

My eating disorder and recovery has impacted my life in such a profound way. This personal experience has driven so much of my passion that is embedded within me for the work I do now. I want to shout from the rooftops what eating disorders are and are not; how to treat; how to support and what is required for true healing from the inside out.